


The Art of Falling Apart

by thesassmaster



Series: We Just Got Something [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Always, Anxiety, Breaking Up & Making Up, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fighting, M/M, OT13 - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Poly, Polyamory, References to Depression, Soft Hong Jisoo | Joshua, joshua pov, the boys are there for Joshua
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17464016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesassmaster/pseuds/thesassmaster
Summary: Joshua is doing better. Much better. The boys all like this, except for Mingyu, who is acting like Joshua is still in the pits of depression, still struggling, still needing his constant hovering attention. This isn't true. Joshua doesn't think Mingyu likes that very much either.This causes problems. Like big problems.





	The Art of Falling Apart

**Author's Note:**

> This is the main story of the Joshua-centric ot13 universe I'm working on. Totally not necessary to read the first work in the series before this but of course you can! I'd like that :)  
> Updates will likely be slow going but I'm going to try my absolute hardest to stay on top of it and not let months pass between parts. Ok, that's it! I hope you enjoy and of course let me know what you think!  
> xx

Their downward spiral starts on a day like any other. With an early start that’s too early for Joshua’s impending shitty day and an overbearing boyfriend. Mingyu, the aforementioned overbearing boyfriend, had been setting him off lately for some reason, and Joshua could feel himself getting closer and closer to his breaking point. It had started with Joshua being bothered by offhand comments Mingyu would make, briefly and then they were fine. And then his annoyance started lasting longer when Mingyu’s comments started coming quicker, more often and he seemed so clearly unaware of how rude or hurtful he was being to him.

Admitting that he was starting to feel annoyed by Mingyu was difficult. And realizing that they weren’t perfect like he’d always thought was really tough.

It was so painful admitting that they weren’t indestructible. Coming to terms with the fact that he apparently had a limit with Mingyu and vice versa was heartbreaking.

This, Joshua thought, was easily the most pain anyone had ever experienced. Pushing Mingyu away, becoming aware and keeping his distance, was bad. But realizing Mingyu wasn’t treating him the same anymore was even worse. Acknowledging that something had changed between them, and not for the better, was easily the worst thing ever for Joshua.

They progressed from brief annoyances and began to break down piece by piece. Little by little. They’d hurt each other, fight like crazy then come back together only to do it all over the next day. And every day brought them closer to the end.

But before that. 

Joshua had gone back to his doctor, found himself a therapist that he saw once a week while he was home and had video conferences with while they were away. He was on medicine, a low dosage upon his own insistence and his doctor’s approval because his own head had convinced him that a lower dose would protect him from any level of dependency and personality shifts.

The boys were ecstatic with his new routine. He was getting better and feeling better most days. He still had bad mornings that turned into horrible days which morphed into nights where he’d remembered making Seungkwan cry because he couldn’t be talked to, forced him to flee from their room and had gotten Chan so angry at him, he didn’t approach him for a week after, meanwhile Joshua wouldn’t allow anyone close to him.

Days where he still couldn’t get out of bed were fewer than before but they still happened, they would likely be a part of his life always. Part of him just like his depression. But it was nice feeling like they didn’t dictate him completely, like he could exist separate from his mental state.

While majority of the boys were happy to have him happier and livelier it seemed like Mingyu had issues. He wasn’t quite sure what his problem was, because Joshua was getting better so Mingyu should be glad, but more than anything else he seemed like he had a problem with that. And Joshua didn’t get it.

And that is how their first definitive break happens.

 .......

It started with Joshua having a bad day, Mingyu was there trying to wake him up in his too cheery way, with his loud volume and fresh breath. Did he have to be there, now, in his face asking him to get up and eat so he could take his medicine on a full stomach.

But he didn’t want to join the others for breakfast. He wanted to lay here for as long as he could before he had to suck it up and pull himself together to go to practice. He really, really didn’t want to. But he had to. The approaching comeback meant he had to participate. He couldn’t curl up and let the days roll by like storm clouds, he had to embrace them or at least struggle through them as best he could. So, he tried.

He stumbled outside in the clothes he’d slept in and climbed into the back of one of the cars, without a shower or anything to eat. He was thankful for the first time in ages that Mingyu was in a different car. They’d only had one interaction this morning and Joshua already felt like he’d reached his Mingyu limit.

He let out a sigh of relief when he sees the three who are nearly as used to his bad days as Mingyu. Jeonghan and Seokmin are sitting in the front seat and the middle row respectively. Seungcheol is lounging in the middle row of the van as well, ankle hooked with Seokmin’s casually. He smiles up at him from his spot, wrapped up in a thick sweater that Joshua wishes he could steal off him. He squeezes Joshua’s hip as he wiggles to the back seat and where he would normally lean into him or ruffle his hair or kiss his head, he ignores him, slumping into the back row with a tired huff.

Seungcheol, bravest of them all, doesn’t take that brush off lying down. He gets up from his seat and joins him, shoving him over with a laugh that makes Joshua glare. He whines at him but Seungcheol just takes his legs in his hands and swings them over his own lap, he rubs his knees through his sweatpants, squeezing and kneading the muscles up his legs and even though he’d like to ignore it, it feels good. Damn him.

Seungcheol smiles at him again, the protective instinct he naturally has masks his worry slightly. “You don’t have to talk to anyone today, if you don’t want to,” Seungcheol whispers to him, kissing behind his ear quickly, “I’ll fight anyone who bugs you, okay, so long as you tell me if you need to sit or rest or go home okay? I don’t want you pushing it today, you’ll feel worse tomorrow if you do. Deal?”

Joshua nods and is grateful that it was Seungcheol who decided to reach out for him. Feeling soft for a moment, loved and taken care of, he cranes his neck forward, happy to see Seungcheol scrunch his nose at him cutely before he kisses him. He lays his head down against his shoulder, folding himself over his boyfriends’ lap and closes his eyes, falling asleep quickly as the car starts and drives away. 

The boys, though he can tell are worried, don’t hover too much. Wonwoo hugs him when they arrive at the studio, kissing down his neck and telling him he loves him as he moves away, tickling Jun as he chases him into the studio. Jeonghan hovers a little bit more than the others but Joshua has really put him through the wringer he feels, more than the others. They’re so close, two halves of the same whole, when Joshua is down so is Jeonghan. He can feel his pain and his worry for him and he feels bad that he can’t pretend to be okay strictly for Jeonghan, strictly so he doesn’t have to worry. He stays close to him, makes sure he drinks plenty of water and gives him a towel to dry off when he sits down to rest. He even manages to get Joshua to eat a protein bar when they break for lunch, and he sits close to him, holds his hand and smiles at him. Joshua doesn’t have the heart to tell him to buzz off, mainly because he won’t hurt him like that but also because he loves him and doesn’t really mind him taking care of him. 

What he does mind is Mingyu watching him closely, in the way he has been ever since he’d gone back to see his doctor, grilling him whenever they pause to restart the choreo, _telling_ him to sit or drink rather than _asking_. As if he knows what’s best. As if he’s capable of taking better care of him than anyone else, or even himself. For some reason, lately ever since he’d started taking his medicine Mingyu had been rubbing him the wrong way. Unrelated to the medicine he’d assume. More related to Mingyu’s attitude about the medicine.

He asks him every single morning if he’d taken his dose, if he wanted something to eat to go with it, if he’d had enough water, as if Joshua had ever skipped a dose since it had been prescribed to him, as if he’d done anything to warrant his disbelief in him. He’d caught him scanning him, eyes moving over him slowly, critically as if he could, wanted to detect that something was wrong, assuming he was lying or hiding something.

It was annoying and honestly a little hurtful. The last couple days it had led to a small argument between them, Joshua feeling hurt by his distrust and Mingyu annoyed that Joshua was fighting his apparently superior opinion on all of this.

And Joshua, how dare he not agree with his stance, he’s only trying to protect him, he’s only taking care of him, right? _Right._

But frankly, Joshua doesn’t feel protected or taken care of. It feels condescending and suffocating. His soft, gentle giant isn’t treating him the way he’s used to. And he doesn’t like the change, he doesn’t like this shift. It’s as if Mingyu is finally treating him like he has depression, even though he’s never treated him differently before. And now that he’s finally taking steps to manage his depression and his anxiety, trying to be a normal person with fewer bad days, Mingyu is treating him like he’s not trying at all. Like he’s a man drowning and never learned how to swim, when in fact he’s a great swimmer and Mingyu is a weight wrapping around his ankle.

He’d never tell him that.

He probably won’t tell anyone.

But right now, the last few days especially, Mingyu isn’t helping. It feels like he’s hurting him, debilitating him and driving him nuts.

Mingyu is standing behind him as Joshua watches Soonyoung walk them through a new move, his eyes catch Jun hanging over Minghao who’s swaying back and forth and stretching to kiss the side of Jun’s low hanging head. He feels himself smile, feeling warm and glad that his bad days and horrendous moods don’t bring the others down and distract them from each other.

His attention is dragged back to the boyfriend standing behind him, trying to grab his hips to hold him similarly to how Jun is holding Minghao. Joshua swats his hands away, annoyed but knowing Mingyu is just trying to be playful.

When he tries again the annoyance outweighs the playfulness, he steps forward out of his grasp and huffs, crossing his arms as Soonyoung spins so gracefully it takes his breath away. Their eyes meet through the mirror and Soonyoung grins sending him a wink before he starts moving again.

His sweet haze is broken by Mingyu crowding him again, wrapping an arm around his waist and hanging on. The weight of it, where it’s normally comforting, is heavy and hot and not something Joshua is in a place to contend with.

Mingyu knows he’s having a shit day. He knows, they all know. So why, _why_ can’t he just leave him alone? He never pushes. He’s always so good and focused on doing exactly what Joshua needs but not now. No, now he’s pushing all of Joshua’s buttons and if he doesn’t stop Joshua is going to say something he shouldn’t and get everybody pissed at him probably because that’s his shit luck.

“Stop,”

Mingyu’s reflection smiles at him. And his request is ignored.

He squeezes him, synching and burning him in a brace around his waist. He doesn’t want to be touched. Not now. Not like this. He’s sweaty and he’s tired and he just needs to get these next few moves so they can go home and he can sleep.

Mingyu’s breath ghosts over his neck, he shivers and wonders if it reads like a neon sign over his head that he’s gonna lose it.

“Stop it Mingyu,”

“Baby,” his arm tightens when Joshua pulls at his arm, trying to be released. “I just want to make you feel better,”

“You’re not…just stop-” is the air getting thinner? Or is Mingyu just taking it all for himself? God, it’s hot and stuffy and he feels fuzzy. Panic, panic and fading. The corners of his vision fuzz out to black and his heart begins to race.

“You’re sad just let me-”

“ _I’m not sad_ ,” Joshua fights out of his arms and spins on him, voice loud and panicked.

“Jisoo-”

 _“_ Can’t you just leave me _alone,”_

“Mingyu stop it,” Seungcheol is there, stepping between them so Mingyu doesn’t do anything else stupid. Seungcheol’s arm comes to pull and tuck Joshua behind his own body protectively, while his opposite hand extends to push Mingyu back.

“But-”

“No just leave him alone, okay,”

Joshua watches a desperate sadness over take Mingyu’s face, helpless and tangible but he still feels like he kind of can’t breathe.

His legs start quaking and when his knees buckle someone is there behind him catching him so he doesn’t crash to the floor. He turns and sees Vernon’s profile through blurry eyes. Vernon looks down at him, looking scared and upset but he runs a hand through his hair and asks him to breathe for him so he does.

“He needs air Vernie,” Jeonghan says, voice watery and thin.

Vernon stands up, taking his heap of Joshua with him, Seungcheol offers to take him but Vernon doesn’t seem interested in letting him go. Jeonghan follows them out, grabbing a towel and some water. He crouches in front of them when Vernon places him down gently on a bench in the courtyard of their building.

Air rushes over him and into his lungs like a window opening on a breezy day and he instantly starts to feel better. His vision clears and the colors come back and his chest opens up again. Vernon rubs his back, holds his hand and watches over him as he comes down, while Jeonghan sits there and stares at him, he looks like he’s holding his breath in case Joshua breaks down again. He doesn’t. But now he really doesn’t feel like dancing or exerting any energy, he’s empty.

He slumps against Vernon as Jeonghan hands him the water bottle, asking him to drink some slowly.

“I’m sorry,” Joshua whispers once he’s finished. Jeonghan brushes his bangs back across his forehead and taps the tip of his nose lightly.

“Don’t be,” Vernon says, his hand squeezes his briefly. They both look at him, eyeing up the irritated expression on his face and the defensive set of his shoulders.

Joshua hears an angry, muffled sound start and rumble through Vernon and the younger boy appears partially stunned by it. Jeonghan turns and devotes his attention to Vernon for a moment.

“What Vernie,”

Vernon looks at Jeonghan for a quick moment before turning towards Joshua again. “You asked him to stop, and I was coming over to get you away from him but I wasn’t fast enough.”

Joshua reaches up to stroke the side of his face, hoping, since his words are still escaping him that the action conveys his gratitude and his love for him. He’s never seen Vernon like this, surprised that he seems so outwardly angry and ticked off about all this. It’s heartwarming but also a little concerning since Vernon is usually so gentle and easy going. He doesn’t usually let things bother him too much, doesn’t let things get to him, not in a way that shows a negative side of him at least. He’s so composed always.

“I’m sorry he didn’t listen to you…and that he’s been bugging you today,” Vernon says against his hair as he leans close to him to kiss his forehead. Joshua feels his heart pick up again, it races as he watches Vernon’s eyes open to stare down at him, his smile crinkles his face in the way Joshua loves so much, his stomach flops around and though his skin is still tingling, and he doesn’t feel super steady he does feel a lot better. With Vernon holding him tight and Jeonghan watching them fondly, with fresh air working through his muddled head and blood traveling through him at a normal pace rather than racing unnaturally in his veins as his heart struggles to keep up with it.

The boys dote on him for a while longer, waiting patiently for him to feel himself again, they watch him, hold his hands, Vernon kisses him a few times, clearly very pleased that he’s getting to help him, be with him, be what Josh needs right now.

Seungcheol pokes his head out shortly after, asking how they’re doing. Joshua takes Jeonghan’s hand as he helps him stand, his legs wobble briefly, blood flowing through them in a rush.

“I want to go home Cheol,” Joshua says, moving towards the older boy, his arms open, collect him quickly, lips pressing to his head.

He whispers to him, “the car is already out front,” his nose rubs over his forehead, squeezing him gently. Joshua wonders, not for the first time lately, why Mingyu’s attention feels suffocating, stifling but Seungcheol can touch him, kiss him, take care of him and it’s fine. Jeonghan can, Vernon can, Wonwoo can ask him how he’s doing, Jun can follow him for a couple hours when he’s feeling particularly worried, none of that irritates him. Mingyu irritates him, and that’s upsetting. But he can’t help it.

Seungcheol looks over his head, tells the other two that he’ll go home with Josh, they can stay at practice.

“What about the new choreo,” Joshua asks, quietly, enjoying being tucked against Seungcheol an enormous amount, not willing to remove himself from his arms, not for anything.

“I’m sure someone will help us with it,” Seungcheol looks at Jeonghan who was smirking at the other boy, eyebrows quirked.

“Of course, I will babe, you too Joshie, if you’re up to it,” Jeonghan said, blinking quickly, smiling at both of them, before kissing them both softly.

Seungcheol lets Josh go for a second so he could kiss Vernon, rubbing down his back before reaching back out for Joshua who was being hugged tightly by Jeonghan, again. He grabbed Seungcheol’s hand as he stepped up to Vernon. He looked like he didn’t want to smother him or do anything without Joshua making a move first.

Joshua gave him a tight smile, “I’m sorry if I scared you Vernie,” he leaned in most of the way, smile growing as Vernon’s eyes warmed up, eyelids hooded, he ducked close to him, lips pressing slowly to Josh’s, no rush, no pressure, just gentle, lovely, sweet Vernon, who loved him and was good to him. “See you guys later,” he whispered to both of them, leaning back into Seungcheol who started pulling them towards the door back inside.

“Love you,” Vernon calls, moving into Jeonghan’s side when he reached for him.

“Love you guys,” Joshua said before letting Seungcheol lead them to the car.

…….

 

When they get back to the dorm Seungcheol asked if he wanted to eat anything before laying down, Joshua shook his head and thankfully Seungcheol didn’t push. He made for his room and was surprised when he didn’t hear Seungcheol following him.

Mingyu would’ve followed him. He would’ve tripped on his heels.

Joshua is standing in his room debating changing his sweatpants and shirt, he wore them to bed last night and if he lays down in them now, he’ll sleep in them again. He decides to change, to humanize himself a little after such a stressful ordeal earlier. He’s mid strip when he hears shuffling behind him, he turns and sees Seungcheol coming inside. He has a bowl of what he assumes is rice, leftover from last night that he’s heated in the time it took for him to mosey to his room and think through changing. He sets the bowl down on the table next to Joshua’s bed before taking the sweatshirt from his hands, depositing it on the floor behind him.

Seungcheol takes his hands and pulls Joshua close to him, he should see it coming, based on the look in Seungcheol’s eyes but he’s still feeling hollow and a little fuzzy he doesn’t quite catch it.

He’s leaning into him before Joshua can stop it, lips pressing softly to his before he breathes out and with it, Joshua sags, hands loosely grabbing Seungcheol’s sides.

Joshua doesn’t know how long they stand there kissing so slowly he feels himself warm, pieces coming back into place, but he likes it. He likes it so much he hopes Seungcheol never stops.

And as he does, that thought manages to jinx things and Seungcheol pulls back, fingers brushing back his hair, stroking his cheek. Joshua hears a whine escape him which makes the other laugh. Seungcheol moves in close again pecks him before kissing his nose.

“I love you,” he says, arms dropping to sit low on Joshua’s back.

“I know,” he smiles up at him, squeezing him back as he tucks his head into Seungcheol’s neck, “I love you too,”

He can practically hear Seungcheol’s smile.

“You know what sounds good,” he asks after a few quiet moments.

Joshua rubs his face against the collar of Seungcheol’s shirt before responding ‘what?’

“A shower,” his lips move over his temple in an enticing way which Joshua assumes was the angle to start with, _hook_. “Join me,” Seungcheol whispers, _line_.

He groans, he doesn’t want to shower, he’s tired and wants to sleep, preferably with Seungcheol and not get up till tomorrow. But it’s Seungcheol who’s asking, offering, not forcing or demanding and it does sound good. Warm water, soap and Seungcheol. It wouldn’t take forever, Seungcheol knows how exhausted he is after today, he won’t draw it out.

“Okay,” he murmurs back, kissing his neck before drawing back to blink up at him, _sinker._

Seungcheol walks them backwards across the hall, to the bathroom. He helps him out of the rest of his clothes before turning on the water. He strips quickly and hops in the shower, pulling Joshua in after him. Joshua laughs looking at his wet hair plastered to his forehead, squinting eyes and goofy grin. And he laughs harder when he starts shampooing his own hair, making it stand on end as he grabs the bottle again to wash Josh’s hair for him.

They wash each other down, methodically but quickly. He was right, Seungcheol isn’t interested in drawing this out too much. And he’s so thankful. They rotate, taking turns rinsing off under the perfectly warm spray. Seungcheol rubs his shoulders and kisses his neck when he spins to let the water run over his face and it feels so good, it’s not what he initially wanted but exactly what he needed.

“Done baby,” he asks him, tongue peeking out to flick against his ear, lips connecting with the shell.

He hums, “yeah, thank you,”

“Of course,” the kisses halt as he reaches around him to shut off the water, plunging them into the cool air of the bathroom, without the heat of the water around them, he shivers.

Seungcheol is quick to hop out of the shower and grab a towel for him, he wraps him up before he can quake more than once and kisses him again. He wraps another towel around his waist before grabbing another to toss it over Joshua’s hair, he scrubs a couple times before laying it around his shoulders, goofy grin back.

And it doesn’t fade, his silly grin, not when they get back to his room, not when Seungcheol sifts through Joshua’s closet for sweats and a shirt and Josh waited on the bed for whatever he picked. It makes him smile too, his happiness, it was pure and infectious, and Joshua felt a little better, calmer in his presence with that smile making his heart feel light. 

They tumbled into bed together, wrapping around each other easily, Seungcheol murmured about keeping him warm and snug as he tugged the blanket up around them, arm curled around his back.

“I like this,” Seungcheol says quietly, lips against his forehead. Joshua hums to him as he wiggles to get comfortable against Seungcheol’s side, head on his shoulder.

“I never get to be with you like this,” he adds and he’s right. It’s always Mingyu in the end that he goes to when he’s hit his limit and needs to either break apart or sleep. It’s always Mingyu. But today it’s Seungcheol and he’s happy for it. He loves the contrast between them, Seungcheol’s attention that is doting but not outside of his normal scope of affection where Mingyu would always just hold him tight and let him cry, do his thing and be there with him. Seungcheol has encouraged what he needs, gotten him to shower and change and now relax and he knows he could cry if he needed to. He feels okay, tired but overall okay.

Today, right now, Seungcheol is his safe place and he’s exactly what he needs.

“You’re doing a good job,” Joshua whispers, petting across the soft fabric of his sweatshirt, eyes focused on Seungkwan’s empty, unmade bed across the room. Seungcheol laughed and squeezed him for that.

They didn’t talk for a while after. Seungcheol, likely content with the compliment and Joshua glad for the break. But quiet isn’t always kind to him. In the silence Joshua’s mind begins swirling again.

About Mingyu.

Of course.

Why was he treating Joshua the way he was? Why was he being this way? Was it as bad as Joshua felt it was or was it his depression amplifying it? Or was he just being sensitive? Was it anything? It could be nothing and Joshua was just finding dumb reasons to be annoyed with him.

He felt that he was different though. His Mingyu was different and he could see the changes. And it bothered him. But Mingyu was still there, he still cared though it felt patronizing at the moment. He was still trying to take care of him, treating him differently while still acting towards him in similar ways, like trying to touch him and get him to eat. He was still there but Joshua couldn’t handle it.

He didn’t realize he’d started crying till Seungcheol’s arms tightened and he started shushing him gently.

“It’s okay baby,” Seungcheol whispered, hands on the move as he rubbed his back.

“I know,” he sniffled and burrowed closer to him, breathing slowly to calm himself down, “I’m sorry,”

“No, no, no love, don’t do that,” Seungcheol took his face, wiping away his tears as he started humming, Joshua wasn’t sure he was aware he was doing it, but it instantly calmed him down. He tipped his face up to look at him, watched his expression change, softening from determination to care and concern, he smiled at him gently, making Joshua’s heart swell. Seungcheol’s fix was always to make himself the butt of the joke, be a goofball to relax the others, and his self-deprecating sense of humor made Joshua smile, distracting him enough to actually pull a laugh out of him.

“You lied,” Seungcheol smirked, “I’m doing terrible at this. I made you cry,” he squawked and hooked his legs around Joshua’s knees.

Joshua huffed, “You’re doing fine,” sniffles loud as his tears slowed down. “I hadn’t cried today, it was overdue,” that makes Seungcheol laugh again.

“I don’t usually like to talk when I’m like this,” he says but he knows what his therapist would say, ‘trust them, they’re there for you,’. And he does trust Seungcheol. He knows he’ll listen and be unbiased or try to be.

“You don’t have to,” he promises him, soothing him. He knows that. But maybe it’ll help. He has a lot running through his head that he can’t make sense of, a lot that maybe a fresh perspective could help with.

“I can’t help it,” Joshua says, fingers clench in Seungcheol’s sweatshirt. “Everything is just…too much with him,”

“Who Mingyu,” he asks. Joshua hums. “Ok, go ahead,”

“But this with you, is fine. If it were him, I probably would’ve kicked his butt, or had you do it,” Seungcheol smiled against his forehead, nuzzling him gently.

Seungcheol’s answer of, “his hearts in the right place,” is such a Seungcheol thing to say. He loves them all so much and even when’s he’s in your corner he’d never drag another one of his boys down to prove it. He’s so fierce for them always and he might be devoted to Joshua, to making Joshua feel better but he can’t write Mingyu off either.

Joshua huffed.

“He’s just not going about things the right way…would you agree with that?”

“I guess, his attention is setting me off lately and I don’t know why,”

Seungcheol was quiet, clearly, he didn’t have an answer for it either.

“What would your advice be? As my boyfriend or leader, I don’t-”

“It’s probably similar for both…” Seungcheol whispered. “For whatever reason you guys aren’t working like you always do, couples hit rough spots babe and that’s okay. So maybe give it some time, try not to jump to any conclusions. There’s plenty of other people to rely on for the time being so if you need some space, take it, he could stand to spend some time with somebody who isn’t you,” that sends a pang through his chest. Even though he’s annoyed and angry he loves him, he’ll always love him and it’s killing him that things are so uneasy for them right now.

“But something your boyfriend would say that your leader probably wouldn’t is don’t neglect what you need simply because of your feelings and your commitment to him, you’re allowed to take time for yourself you know. Take care of yourself Shua before anything else, you need to think of you too,”

Joshua felt his eyes well again staring up at Seungcheol’s handsome face, eyes colored with his standard protective instinct. “I love him,”

“I know you do,” he stroked him, thumb digging into the back of his neck in the way Joshua loved.

“I just…I don’t know why he’s being like this,” he felt choked up, throat clogged, “it hurts Cheolie,” and he was crying again.

“Okay baby, okay it’s alright,” he tucked him close again, pulling his head to lay it back against his shoulder while Seungcheol laid his head down on his, snuggling him as he sobbed quietly.

“I’ll say something to him okay,”

“No don’t do that,” Joshua cried, pulling against his hold to stare at him pleadingly.

Seungcheol didn’t look pleased, “He’s upsetting you Josh,”

“I know but that’ll just start a fight. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong,” he sat back further, moving out of his arms which made him shiver and had Seungcheol looking upset and lost. “Today was the perfect example of that, he wouldn’t listen and…did you hear what he said to me,”

Seungcheol shook his head, maybe not understanding which bit he was referring to.

“He said he was trying to help because _I was sad._ I’m not fucking sad and he knows that,”

“I know,”

“It’s totally different,”

“I know that,”

“He’s always been so good about it, he’s never treated me different but now he’s acting like I’m more broken than before which isn’t true at all. I think I’m better because I’m taking medicine which is something, he encouraged me to do!” He could feel himself spiraling, getting more and more worked up when Seungcheol reached out to him, took his hands which had been flailing a second before. He leaned down to kiss his knuckles and Joshua melted, he leaned into him, knocking them backwards to lay down again.

“I’m just frustrated,” Joshua breathed, snuggling his way back into his spot, face pressed into the crook of Seungcheol’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” he said to him.

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” and he wasn’t, hadn’t.

“Still sorry that he is though,” Joshua smiled softly, kissing his neck. 

“But you’re right, he probably doesn’t realize he’s doing anything wrong or different. He’s always taken care of you and he probably feels like he’s still doing that,”

Joshua sighed, thinking.

“Maybe my zoned out, depressed self didn’t recognize it as suffocating but now that I’m feeling a little more human, it’s ticking me off. Has he always been like this,”

Seungcheol didn’t say anything right away but the silence that stretched said plenty for him. When he finally spoke, he repeated himself, saying, “He’s always taken care of you,” and that kind of said it all.

Joshua just wasn’t coping with it the same because he didn’t feel like he needed the constant hovering attention Mingyu provided him with anymore. He wanted to seek out the comfort if he needed it but Mingyu was too used to reading him and knowing what was up even before Joshua did which meant he was always a couple steps ahead, always ready with whatever he needed.

It made sense, but he still didn’t have to be such a condescending jerk about it.

His frustration wouldn’t allow him to sympathize with whatever the hell Mingyu was doing and why. He closes his eyes and lets the calm silence wrap around them, likes the beat of Seungcheol’s loving, steady heart echoing in his head.

Seungcheol shuffles a bit but keeps an arm around Joshua so he doesn’t move or open his eyes. He hears him spit which shocks him, he picks his head up to see Seungcheol placing the bowl of rice back on the bedside table, tongue out of his mouth as he whines. He laughs at him, raising an eyebrow in question.

Seungcheol shakes his head and snorts, grinning so wide his eyes disappear. “It’s cold and I wasn’t expecting it…it like congealed in my mouth,” he gags and drops back to the pillow with a laugh.

“It’s been there a while,”

“Yeah, I should’ve expected it,” it’s all so dopey and silly it makes fondness bubble up from the pit of his stomach.

“Are you hungry,” Joshua asks him, assuming he must be if he went after the rice at all.

“Kinda but I’m snuggling my boyfriend and he’s so warm,”

“There’s probably snacks on Seungkwan’s side somewhere,”

Seungcheol sat up, eyebrows quirked.

Joshua laughed before answering, “Dokyeom’s been spending a lot of time in here,” which was all he really needed to say.

“Ahh,” Seungcheol hummed, knowing wherever Dokyeom went, snacks were sure to follow. He kissed his head before rolling off the bed and shuffling to Seungkwan’s side, he opened his bedside drawer and smiled over his shoulder when Joshua snickered at him. Seungcheol looked at him, confused when he didn’t find anything, Joshua pointed to the floor, “under,”

Seungcheol looked like he didn’t believe him but dropped to the floor and snorted, he came back with a package of Tteokbokki crackers, face lit with success and glee.

“Perfect,” he ripped it open as he laid back down with him, offering the pack to Joshua for a handful. He took a couple, chewed them slowly before pushing Seungcheol further down so he could lay back against him. And that’s how they stayed till a quiet commotion from downstairs broke their bubble.

The boys were home which meant Seungcheol would probably leave to eat and be with the others. Joshua had monopolized enough of his time today. And worse than that, being left alone meant the chances of Mingyu coming to check on him and hover were high. He shifted to pull his hood up, tugging the strings to cinch it around his face and he ducked to hide against Seungcheol’s sweatshirt further. He didn’t want him to leave but he didn’t want to force him to stay if he wanted to go.

It was never a question with Mingyu, he was always who helped him through his roughest moments but now with Seungcheol, Joshua didn’t know if he’d be up to seeing it through, probably not anticipating what he had gotten himself into.

It always led back to him not wanting to be a burden on the others. So, if Seungcheol wanted to leave, he should.

“You can go Cheol,”

“What,” he felt the other shift, probably looking down at him.

“You can go, eat or do something, with the boys, I’m okay,” and he was but only because of Seungcheol.

“Do you want to eat,”

Joshua shook his head.

“Ok,” he wrapped his arms around him again, holding him tight. “then I’m good too,”

It was Joshua’s turn to sit up and stare at him.

“Seungcheol,”

He fixed him with a look that actually had Joshua backing down slightly. That looked like a standard Jeonghan look of displeasure, they spent enough time with each other to pick up each other’s habits and mannerisms, but a facial expression was new. Joshua was impressed.

“Joshua,”

He huffed, “Go,” he pointed to the door but Seungcheol didn’t move. Except to tug the strings of his sweatshirt tighter so his face was covered, and vision was obstructed. He swatted blindly, grinning when he connected with Seungcheol’s firm chest and got a good laugh for it. He pushed the hood away from his eyes, just enough so he could see, his smug boyfriend grinning up at him.

“I don’t want to,” Seungcheol extended his arms to lay them behind his head, the picture of stubbornness. Joshua flushed when he winked at him, cocky and so blatantly pleased with himself.

“You’re a pain,” he said but couldn’t deny he was happy with Seungcheol’s insistence, glad he wanted to stay with him. He could hear laughter downstairs, brief clamors of people moving quickly. He startled when a loud squeal was heard before louder laughter and more clamoring, like someone was running or being chased. He watched Seungcheol smile, at the sound or at him he couldn’t be sure. But he smiled back.

“Maybe but I’m your pain,” Seungcheol moved again, opening his arms for him.

And who was Joshua against an offer like that. He moved to lay down again, further on top of him this time and sighed. He felt normal and calm and like he didn’t have to ignore his feelings or his thoughts because Seungcheol listened and wanted to help.

Maybe he could eat. Later. With Seungcheol.

He’s just gotten truly comfortable again, maybe 20 minutes later, when the door to his room opens and Jeonghan is peeking inside. He smiles at them when they turn to look at him.

“Hi,” he murmurs, like they’d been sleeping, and he doesn’t want to disturb them or be too loud.

“He can’t stand not knowing what’s up,” Seungcheol whispers loudly, behind his hand, like it was supposed to be a secret.

“I know,” Joshua whispered back, laughing at Jeonghan’s scandalized expression.

“You’ve only been home for like what, 10 minutes, couldn’t take it anymore huh,”

Jeonghan sticks his tongue out at him but stays in the doorway. “Shut up, it's been longer than that,” he shuffles slightly but still doesn’t move. Joshua readjusts, sitting up on his elbows which makes Seungcheol groan as they dig into him.

“We wanted to check on you,”

“We,” Seungcheol asks before he can.

“Yeah, me and Vernon, if that’s okay,”

Seungcheol doesn’t say anything just kisses his head as he sighs in relief. Maybe Mingyu’s taking it upon himself to give him some space.

“Up to you love,” Seungcheol nuzzles him before looking back to Jeonghan. 

“We brought food,” Jeonghan pleads their case one final time to which Seungcheol’s stomach growls.

“Okay,” he agrees, thinking it might nice to be sandwiched between Seungcheol and Vernon with Jeonghan next to him in the middle.

Jeonghan squeals quietly, stepping back out of the door. He comes back with two bowls of noodles and Vernon in tow.

Vernon’s hair is damp, and he’s changed, long sleeved shirt and sweatpants and a smile as he shuffles in after Jeonghan with a wave.

“Hi,” he says to them, watching Jeonghan set the noodles on the side table, he shoos Seungcheol up to eat while expertly taking his spot.

“Hi babe,” Seungcheol hums, attention getting stolen, effectively, by his dinner.

“Hey,” Joshua watches him shift his weight from foot to foot, hands tucking into his sleeves. “How was the rest of practice,”

“Hellish,” Jeonghan groans, fluffing the pillow Seungcheol deflated before laying down.

“Hellish why,” Seungcheol stops eating, mouth full, eyes wide.

Jeonghan and Vernon share a look.

“What,” Joshua looks between them, “What happened,”

“After you two left, it just kind kicked off. Mingyu was a nightmare because while we were outside and Seungcheol was gone, Wonwoo laid into him, so they weren’t speaking when we came back. And probably won’t for a little while,”

Seungcheol groaned at Jeonghan’s explanation.

“And he was pissed that you didn’t-”

“Vernon,” Jeonghan warned.

“What,”

“Don’t,”

“He can handle the truth Jeonghan, I’m not gonna treat him like Mingyu does,”

Seungcheol looked back at Joshua with raised eyebrows, but fixed his attention back on Vernon quickly, leader mode activated. Joshua’s stomach rolled thinking about this day, how Mingyu’s treatment of him had thrown Vernon so severely, making him act this way, seem so angry. He didn’t like it.

“What happened Vern,” Seungcheol asked him, voice level and firm.

“Mingyu was pissed that you went home with Joshua, that Josh didn’t want him. And I told him it…I told him it was because he was being an ass,”

Seungcheol took a deep breath, but his shoulders shook like he was laughing or trying not to.

“What he’d say,”

“Nothing, probably because I was the second person who’d called him one in a 20-minute span,”

“It was just awkward and tense after that,” Jeonghan’s tone left no room for argument, this particular conversation was done, or close to it.

Vernon shrugged.

“Was he good when you got home,”

Jeonghan sighed, “just ticked off. He said he was gonna go to the gym, Seungkwan was gonna check on him, stay with him later since Jihoon’s opted for staying in Soonie’s room tonight.”

Joshua’s stomach churned harder. He’d made such a mess for all of them. He and Mingyu had thrown all of them out of focus and driven them to fighting and name calling, and nights spent apart. He hated it. Just because he and Mingyu were in a weird place didn’t mean he wanted, intended or expected everyone else’s relationships to struggle too. He didn’t want that. He’d _never_ want that.

The tears started before he could realize he felt like crying.

Joshua sat up, pushing away Jeonghan’s hand when they reached for him. 

Instead he buried his face in his hands, hunching forward towards his knees, breathing coming fast. Too fast.

“Cheol,” he whimpered, closing his eyes when his head started to swim.

“I’m right here baby,” he swallowed, he heard the quiet thud of a cardboard bowl hitting his side table before his bed creaked and Seungcheol was dropping on the ground on his side of the bed. “Shh, you’re okay, it’s okay,”

“Everyone’s—fighting—because—of…because—of—me,” he gasped but it didn’t help.

“No, they’re not baby, easy” Seungcheol tugged him, sat him up to move him around. He felt hands on his knees and then hands on his head as he was pushed forward to help his breathing. The calm hit him instantly as he listened to Seungcheol’s even, controlled breaths, likely meant to be mimicked.

“Deep breaths okay, you’re alright,”

Behind him he could make out a quiet, hissed conversation as Jeonghan and Vernon went back and forth.

“I told you not to say anything,”

“I’m not gonna treat him like he’ll break if I say the wrong thing, he’s strong, he hates being treated like he isn’t,” and Vernon was right. His biggest gripe with Mingyu right now was that he was treating him differently. Treating him like he was fragile when he’d never done that before.

“Vernon, I know you didn’t like what you saw today but…you can’t just-”

“Can’t just what, treat him like a person. Like our person, he’s Joshua, he can handle anything, and I don’t like you or Mingyu or anyone else assuming he can’t,”

The words out of Vernon’s mouth made his heart swell, it felt good hearing that someone didn’t feel any different about him. That everything he was dealing with, everything he’d been through didn’t change a single thing for him.

“Well, look at him now Vern,”

“I’m sorry,” Vernon hissed back, “I didn’t think it’d force him to have another episode,”

“Read the room next time would you, he’s had a bad day he didn’t need that too,”

“I said I was sorry Han, this day has been shitty for me too,”

He heard Jeonghan sigh loudly, bed creak a little. “I know I’m sorry,” and then another sigh and then kissing.

“Now you apologize to me, for yelling at me,” Seungcheol laughed in front of him where he was busy rubbing his wrists, fingers stealthily taking his pulse.

“I didn’t yell at you,”

“Apologize Vern,”

“Oh my god, I’m sorry Jeonghan, happy,”

“Yes, now kiss me some more,”

Vernon laughed but did as he was told, or he assumed he did judging by the happy noises and gentle sighs.

He took a deep breath, sitting up slightly to meet Seungcheol’s wide, worried eyes.

“Good babe,”

He nodded. “Everyone’s fighting because of me Cheol,” he whispered, all he could manage.

“They’re not,” he pointed over Joshua’s shoulder to Jeonghan and Vernon who were attached by the tongue, Jeonghan’s hands in Vernon’s hair, Vernon’s under the hem of the other’s shirt. “We’re not,” he moved a hand between them, stopping to tap Joshua’s nose quickly.

He got up on his knees to be closer to him, “Everyone is exhausted babe and today was bad, for all of us, that isn’t your fault okay. It’s nobody’s fault, we’re good okay, you’re good, I promise,”

“Do you think anyone’s mad at me,”

“No, not a chance,”

He didn’t even want to ask. But the side of him that was undeniably, unrelentingly in love with Mingyu, in spite of everything, made him do it.

“Do you think Mingyu’s mad at me,”

Seungcheol looked at him like he was crazy.

“No,” it was Vernon, who sounded out of breath, he heard Jeonghan whine. “He just doesn’t like feeling useless,”

Seungcheol made a face at him.

“Are you good Vernon,” he asked him, peering around his shoulder to stare at the other. The bed dipped behind him and soon his neck was being kissed and Jeonghan was apologizing for upsetting him, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“He’s good, just annoyed I think,” Jeonghan answered for him, chin hooking over Joshua’s shoulder.

“Yeah and-”

“Okay, how about you and I talk about this tomorrow, that good,” Seungcheol held out a hand to stop him.

“Yeah that’s good,” he sighed. Joshua was thankful, not sure he could hear much more of it. He was so worn out.

Seungcheol’s attention returned to him, “To answer your question, I don’t think he’s mad at you. I think he’s just upset, maybe feeling a little lost with all this but definitely not mad. That guy, loves you more than anything, you know that,”

“I know,” he held his arms open, sighing happily when Seungcheol stood to hug him, scooping him easily up off the bed so he could sit, lay back with Joshua on top of him easily. “I’m so annoyed at him, but I don’t want him mad at me either,”

“You know you don’t have to explain yourself to me,” he kissed his forehead, pinched his side.

“I know, it’s helping me sort my thoughts though,”

“Oh, okay,”

He felt pretty much sorted though, at least for tonight, he couldn’t think this to death anymore, he was exhausted. As if coaxed, he yawned, the whole day catching up to him. A fight with his boyfriend, two panic attacks and now he had somehow lucked out and was getting to spend the night with three of his boyfriends. Because they loved him. He knew that. He didn’t doubt it. They were here. And they weren’t going anywhere.

Except maybe Jeonghan. Who never sacrificed his 12 hours of sleep for anything, Joshua respected it, he was firm and honest and loved his sleep. Which reminded him.

“What time is it,”

“7:30,” Vernon answered, rolling to spoon up behind Jeonghan.

He turned his head on Seungcheol’s chest to look at Jeonghan who was blinking at him sweetly.

“7:30 Hannie,”

“I heard,” he smiled, shuffled closer, bringing Vernon with him, “I already washed up, I’m wearing my pj’s so, I’ve got at least another 30 minutes, guilt free, before bed time,”

They all laughed at him but Jeonghan didn’t seemed fazed as he snuggled closer, hand running down Joshua’s back. He was wiggling and grinning till Seungcheol poked his forehead, stopping him dead.

“He’s exhausted Jeonghan, don’t you start,”

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Jeonghan squeaked, looking affronted but also a little sheepish, like he’d been caught.

“Really, why are you smiling then,” Seungcheol’s comment made his smile grow some more, eyes getting lost, Joshua felt warmer at the sight.

“Because I’m happy, can I not smile,”

“You look like you want to start something,”

“I’ve…I-”

Vernon snorted behind him, “busted,”

“Fine, I wanted a kiss but it’s okay,”

Joshua smiled at him, eyes closing slightly before he shook it off, forcing himself awake. “I think I can manage that,”

“See, Joshie always humors me,” Jeonghan stuck his tongue out at Seungcheol before leaning closer as kissing Joshua slowly. Joshua, for his part, melted, sighing out as Jeonghan pressed closer to him, against Seungcheol’s side. They pulled apart a minute later with a pop, Jeonghan brushed his hair back fondly, smiling so softly at him it made him flush.

“Let him sleep, you can kiss me instead,” Vernon tugged him, rolled him over easily and Jeonghan was only too happy to take him up on the offer as he giggled against the other, wrapped his arms around him. 

He yawned, shifted on Seungcheol’s chest to face away from them.

“Sleep baby,” Seungcheol kissed his head.

“Did you want kisses too,”

“I’ll take one, and then I want you to sleep,”

Joshua smiled, head tipping back to look up at the other. Seungcheol met him in the middle, brushing their mouths together so softly, it was barely there. He shifted higher up, whining quietly when Seungcheol took his head in his hand, angled him backwards, kissing him a little harder. His head started swimming, skin burning and stomach fluttering as Seungcheol grinned against him. He pecked him, calmed him down till their lips separated and they were just sharing the same space, the same air.

“Sleep Josh,”

“Okay,” he let his head drop, eyes never opening, “more…later,”

“That’s okay, I’m perfectly fine with this,” he punctuated his statement by squeezing him tight, kissing the top of his head.

Joshua let everything dim and fade away from him. Too tired to keep thinking about everything that had happened today. Too worn out to focus.

He couldn’t hear Jeonghan and Vernon anymore. Maybe they were being extra quiet for him. Maybe they’d fallen asleep. Maybe they’d left, back to their own rooms or gone somewhere else for some more privacy. Whatever happened to them, Joshua had Seungcheol and today he was his life preserver.

Today, Seungcheol was just what he needed.

While that processed, he wondered, as he slipped under if tomorrow would be better. Or if it would come in the shape of another break, in the form of him hurt worse, a little more lost than before. And then Seungcheol squeezed him, warding the thoughts away, beckoning sleep in. Keeping Joshua so warm, so happy and safe, again being exactly what he needed. And wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! bye bye xx


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